Brokeback Hogwarts
by Ze Author Formerly Known as Half-Blood Princess7
Summary: A parody on slash fics and fieldtrip fics. Don't read if it offends you. Its gonna get ugly. And by ugly, I mean screwing a mountain goat ugly. Notice the category: HORROR! Puhleeeze read and review! Finished on March 27, 2006 :D
1. Random Trip to Wyoming

I got this idea and I just couldn't wait till I finished Happy's story to do this slash parody. We'll leave Happy hangin' for a while ;-)

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. How many times do I have to tell you, damn it?**

**Author's Very Important Note That Will Probably Be Ignored Anyway: I've said it a thousand times before, I have nothing against homosexuality, but HARRY, DRACO, RON, DUMBLEDORE, AND EVERYONE ELSE are NOT GAY!**

**Brokeback Hogwarts, Chapter One: Random Trip to Wyoming**

On the night of Sep. 1, all ofHogwarts was sitting in the Great Hall, eating all that yummy food that has been described in fanfics before, but never even begun to even rival that of J. K. Rowling's which causes me to salivate uncontrollably. Then Dumbledore stood up and did his annual Don'tmissthiscuzitsreallyimportant Speech:

"Guess what, kiddies?"

"What?" roared the crowd, despite the fact that he sounded rather pedophilic by using the term "kiddies."

"We are going on a field trip for no reason to Wyoming right out of the blue because as if I'm not spontaneous enough, I'm going to be even MORE wimsy. Yay, wimsy! No, I'm not on drugs."

Nobody seemed to think this odd, especially since Hogwarts always has field trips. Instead everybody hooted and hollered.

"There is a correction. To avoid anything getting to racy/horny with those out-of-control hormones, the girls are going to Montana and the guys are going to Wyoming."

Crowd groans. The first time they care about anything he's said this year. No sex?

"What are you waiting for? Get packing!"

Even though they could have easily packed via magic, Dumbledore wanted them to have the "good ol' Muggle experience of camping" **(even if most of…THEM don't do it that way anymore…AHEM…non-camping people…) **but they were still allowed to bring their wands, just so that there is magic in this story, not just kinky sex.

So, everybody packed up (I bet they wished they had backpacks and not big wooden trunks!) and got on (gasp!) an airplane.

Everybody except Hermione got airsick cuz Hermione is the only Muggleborn who has loving parents that take her on vacation. Except in the Fanfic world, where her parents are uber-abusive. Goddamn dentists. Somehow all that beating in the Fanfic world made her boobs and hips like Playboy boobs and hips. Weird, huh? Dolly Parton musta been seriously abused.

And suddenly, all of the guys were in Wyoming and the girls in Montana.

_Wyoming:_

"Kiddies, we are gonna stay here all year! Surprise!" said Dumbledore.

_Montana:_

McGonagall pretty much said the same thing, only she wasn't a pedophile.

**Bwahaha! Ooh boy, this is gonna get RACY.**


	2. I Dunno! DracoHarry

**Hmph. No reviews? What's up with that?**

**Anywho, I've found this on somebody's alert list, but apparently, ahem they did not review ahem so…I'm not going to name any black magic names, but, here's the next chapter.**

Brokeback Hogwarts Chapter 2 

For the purposes of the story, we will now forget about all the girls in Montana.

Back to Wyoming

"A year! What the bloody hell?" Ron said **(This is me making an attempt at British slang) **.

"I dunno what goes on in that old guy's head," said Harry.

"Dyathink we'll make it without any girls for a year?" Asked Seamus.

"I dunno about that, either."

"Dyaknow anything?"

"Not really," Harry was getting annoyed.

"Alright kiddies, now we are going to go hiking!" Shouted Dumbledore.

"Hiking? Why?"

"Because there's a great view from the top of the mountain!"

"So, why don't we just Side-Along Apparate or something?"

"Because that would take the Muggle-ness out of it!"

"BUT WE'RE NOT MUGGLES!" shouted the guys in unision.

"We are pretending to be," Snape said, "Although I must say it's an idiotic idea."

There was a rumble of agreement throughout the crowd.

"Why the bloody hell are we agreeing with _Snape_? In fact, I dunno what year this is set in, but Dumbledore is supposed to be dead, and Snape ran away because he killed Dumbledore!"

"They're onto us, Albus!"

"RUN!"

"No stupid, APPARATE!"

And with a loud crack, the two were gone. The other male teachers, Flitwick, Firenze, Hagrid, and Slughorn, looked on in bewilderment.

"What just happened here?" asked Firenze.

"Um, I dunno," said Harry.

"WE KNOW YOU DUNNO!" shouted all the guys.

"Well, let's go for a hike!" Ernie said enthusiastically.

The crowd turned on Ernie MacMillan quicker than a Jack-Rabbit becomes a great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great­-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- grandfather. And that doesn't take too long, either.

"Just…kidding?"

"Well," said Hagrid, "I think we oughta go on a hike anyhow,"

"And I agree," said Firenze.

And for the sake of a plot, everybody got lost.

That night

Harry unpacked his tent and struggled to pitch it. And then, out of the bushes, jumped—

"_Petrificus Totalus!_" shouted Harry, who was really on the edge because he was so afraid.

Malfoy fell flat on on his face, squriming for his life.

"Oh, sorry, what're you doing here, this late at night? _Unpetrifucus Totalus!" _Harry said, which I don't think is really a spell, but it is now.

"Well, I lost my tent. See, there was this frog, and it was evil as hell, and it was all RIBBIT! And I freaked, and then I dropped my backpack off a cliff!"

"And now you have nowhere to stay," Harry finished for him.

"Yeah," said Draco, "I'm not really evil, my parents abuse me boo hoo!"

"Really? Aw, I'm sorry Drakie-poo," said Harry.

"I love you, Harry-Poo,"

"I love you too!"

They snog and, one thing leads to another…but to make a long story short they rolled off a cliff. Talk about tough love.

**Next time: More sickening pairings!**


	3. Pity Me! RonColin

Brokeback Hogwarts Chapter 3 

Ron walked through the forest. He had just about wet his pants. And then—

"AHH! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!" Ron started to run through the forest blindly, trying to get a spider out of his hair.

A soft, gentle hand plucked it out for him. Ron looked up.

"Hi Ron,"

"Hi Colin," **(A/N some of you may have noticed I like to make jokes on Colin Creevey :-P)**

"Are you lost, too?"

"Yeah. Er, thanks for getting that bloody spider out of my hair. Where's your camera?"

"I was trying to take a picture of this awesome puma…but then it leapt at me and I lost all my stuff over a cliff."

"I'm sorry, Colin. D'ya wanna stay with me for the night?"

"That'd be great," Colin said excitedly.

That night, after Muggle-born Colin showed Ron how to pitch a tent, they sat around a fire, eating pork and beans.

"Its so hard being Muggleborn," said Colin.

"I'm really sorry. It's so hard being poor," said Ron.

"People think I'm a geek. I'm so misunderstood."

"People think I'm poor. I'm so…not misunderstood."

"We're both misfits, like that movie Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer!"

"What's a movie?"

"Well, its like watching people do things on a screen. You should know, you were in one."

"Really? Cool!"

That night, as Ron watched Colin sleep, he decided that he was gay.

That night, as Colin watched Ron sleep, he decided that he was gay.

At one point, they both got up to use the woods. Colin decided this was a good time to tell Ron.

At one point, they both got up to use the woods. Ron decided this was a good time to tell Ron.

"I'm gay!" they said at the same time, totally ok with the fact that society would chew them up and spit them out.

"Really, me too!" they said at the same time.

They snog, and then other things happen, and they get eaten by mountain lions.

**Next time: Hagrid and Firenze!**


	4. The Ultimate Double Chappie!

Brokeback Hogwarts Chapter 4 

**Hey all! Here is Chapter 4, in which Hagrid and Firenze recognize their true love for each other.**

**I understand that, even for a slash fanfic, this one is gonna get weird.**

**They will make weird babies! (Author requires a biology lesson on how offspring are formed)**

Firenze trotted through the forest. He thoroughly enjoyed this, but he missed something.

The soft touch of a mare.

All of a sudden, Hagrid comes crashing out of the woods. He seems to be missing his clothes. **(Bad images…author considers gouging eyes out with a plastic spork)**

"AHHHH!" he shouted. "I lost all my clothes and my tent over a cliff! Can I stay with you for the night?" **(Most of you will know where this is going by now OO)**

"Yes."

Well, Firenze would have to settle for the soft touch of a half-giant tonight.

"You know Hagrid, I have to tell you something."

"I know that you aren't a human, if that's what you're getting at."

"What? No, I mean that I love you."

"Really? Me too!"

They snog, and things get seriously ugly, and then they fall in a lake, still doing…things…and they live…I mean…yeah…

Well, this one was short, so I'll give you a double chappie since I love you all so much 3

Ernie was trudging through the forest…when he bumped into…

"Eloise! I thought you were in Montana with the other girls!"

"Ernie! I have to tell you something."

"What? And, why are you in Wyoming?"

"I…I…I'm…This may come as a shock…but…Ernie…I'm…I'm…"

Ernie slaps her to get her to snap back to reality.

"I'm…a man."

"Well, that doesn't really surprise me."

"Really?"

"No, not really."

"Well, I have something else to tell you."

"What?"

"I love you."

"I love you too!"

(Insert your own gruesome love scene)

(Insert your own tragic death)

/ (Get it? Slashslashslashslash…bwahaha)


	5. Ze Finale Chappie Neverending!

**Ze Finale Chappie!**

**You may have noticed the same thing keeps happening to all the characters. So, I have come up with a revolutionary chapter in which you can actually _choose_ which characters make disgusting love to each other! It's amazing!**

**Reviews:**

**Someone: That's the point, stupidass. It's a _parody_, it's supposed to be stupid. And pointless. (I hate anonymous reviewers, they're too cowardly to leave an email so I can destroy them)**

**Here's how it works: You fill in the blanks below and then put them into context in the story.**

1.) Harry Potter Male Character 1 (for femmeslash, Harry Potter Female Character 1):

2.) A Place in Wyoming (for femmeslash, A Place in Montana):

3.) Harry Potter Male Character 2 (for femmeslash…you know what to do):

4.) Stupid Reason for Having No Tent:

5.) Gruesome Love Scene:

6.) Tragic Death Scene:

Have fun with ze endless possibilities!

(1) was walking through the (2) when (3) came along.

"Hello, (3) what are you doing here?" said (1).

"Well," said (3), "I was walking through the (2) when (4) happened, and I was wondering if I could share your tent."

"Yes, that's fine. But I must tell you, (3), that I am gay (for femmeslash, Lesbian), and, well, I, I, I, er, I, love you."

"Really? Me too! I love you because I am gay (for femmeslash, Lesbian)!"

They (5) and then (6).

**Hee hee. I know that this is lame. Don't waste your time telling me. It's supposed to be lame. I'm not writing the Next Great American Novel, I'm poking fun at Slash Fics. Plus, this is a Neverending Chapter. It's awesome! If you like, you can copy and paste it into a private message, fill it in, and I will repost it as the next chapter, or perhaps a different story.**


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